i-D: tear_net and the value of the crying selfies
Tears have come a long way in the past decade. What was once a silent topic is now artfully discussed, celebrated and represented through podcasts, zines and exhibitions alike. Our online worlds have undeniably championed this and while we’ve learnt to appreciate all of the feels from afar, so many of us still struggle to truly show the darker sides of life. Instead of opening up about a breakdown in the office bathroom, we’d rather share an anxiety related meme. But it’s arguable is a handful of likes and a few ‘laugh/crying’ emojis can create a place where true healing can occur. But the internet and smartphones have opened up another way to digest and examine emotion. Often pointed to as a catalyst for millennial isolation, they allow us to capture and share our own tearful realities through the power of crying selfies.
A self-confessed crier and exhibitionist from a young age, Cassidy Kean found herself wondering what to do with all the crying selfies on her own camera roll. Then one day she came across a quote in Maggie Nelson’s book Bluets: “Eventually I confess to a friend some details about my weeping—its intensity, its frequency. She says (kindly) that she thinks we sometimes weep in front of a mirror not to inflame self-pity, but because we want to feel witnessed in our despair.”
The passage ultimately inspired her instagram profile and community project @tear_net, a place to share solitary tears together. With dreams of @tear_net becoming an international public archive and a website on the way, i-D caught up with Cassidy to hear her take on the exhibitionism of emotion, and learned that narcissism may not always be that bad.
Tell us about tear_net? What is it all about and why did you start it?
I’ve been thinking about it for a long time because I was scrolling through my camera roll I was like “I have too many crying pictures, I should do something with this.” I’ve been pretty much documenting my tears since I got a phone, even back in high school on my Nokia. I wondered how many people actually do this, like am I the only one that takes a picture when they’re crying?
It’s an intimate process that you can reflect on, you know later why you were crying and how you overcame that or not. I approached a few girlfriends of mine and said ‘Hey, I have this idea and I want to make a forum for it, maybe an Instagram profile’ and they all thought it was a really good idea and actually sent me their own crying selfies from months or weeks ago. So I started off with those photos and created @tear_net on Instagram.
Over the past few years the conversation surrounding crying has developed into a full blown culture. Why do you think this has suddenly become a thing?
Specifically to social media, I feel like usually people’s profiles are just a lot of daily life or funny pictures about something a bit shallow — not to say shallow but it’s not necessarily thought provoking. I guess there is this mentality when you’re posting online to not really reveal emotional vulnerability. So what I want tear_net to say, and what crying culture in general wants to say, is to unveil and be more transparent and to let crying be something as equal as being happy because it’s just another one of the human emotions. At the end of the day, it’s about being transparent over deep.
Why do you think people want to feel ‘witnessed in their despair’?
Because those emotions are so internal and it’s hard to communicate them. You cry to release stress, it means your body and your mind can’t handle all the stress that you’re feeling so your brain produces tears. It’s hard to communicate exactly what you’re feeling so crying becomes this instant gratification and communication of how you’re feeling. To be seen that way, there’s a certain understanding with someone looking at you and looking back at yourself, there’s a gratification. It makes it understood without too many words, which I think is really beautiful.
Our generation is perceived to be narcissistic and this has a lot to do with the rise of the selfie. But, in the case of tear_net, selfies take on a brave and positive light. Is this proof that narcissism isn’t always bad?
Narcissism isn’t always bad because it’s who we are fundamentally. I think that everyone is a little bit narcissistic and egocentric, it’s just apart of living as a human being, it’s apart of the process. It’s something that is completely ok to be. Emotions are so condemned by society if it’s not something that is bright or happy. Narcissism is just as equal as any emotion, people need to know that. Not to be afraid of it, not to be so hidden all of the time
What’s the biggest factor threatening this kind of open emotional expression?
I really do think about why we hide our emotions and it’s because people don’t want to be seen as vulnerable, as much of a trite word as that is. Society around the world only seems to be keen on strength, success, and for some reason, being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you can be happy or successful. I feel like it’s almost as plain as that, although I don’t think that’s true at all. It’s interesting when talking about gender, most of my submissions are from women, there are few from men, which I think is super interesting. We’re told that ‘Women are more emotional than men’ but I don’t think that’s really the case, I think that’s what society teaches you to be. I’m sure that men have more of a tendency to hold back their tears because it’s not masculine. So I always really love when I get submissions from men, honestly. It’s like ‘Cry! Please!’
How can understanding and accepting emotion move society forward?
By opening up communication and not putting definitions onto people or projecting ideas. Maybe it could change the way that people perform, by having more of a natural flow to however you want to identify yourself. Rather than putting people in boxes we just see people as human beings who have emotion, and express themselves however they’d like to be rather than put into a compartment. That’s what I hope.
This article was originally published on i-D.co in 2016.